How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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