I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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