Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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