Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need a beard to bite.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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