you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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