New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
