I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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