there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
