what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
