I am spending my child support on dildos
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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