...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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