Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
