alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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