dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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