He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You are a genius and a whore.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
