I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
