what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
