people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
