Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
