You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
