so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
