So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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