This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
