Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
