The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
