He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
