i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
