I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
