just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
