If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
