Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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