he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
