So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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