Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
