I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My cat gives me a boner
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
