so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
