xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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