Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
