i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
