my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
