she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
