She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
