I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Fuck appropriateness.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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