There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
