i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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