Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
