I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
