I didn't shave. On purpose
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
