I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
