Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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