Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
